Stop Negotiating With Yourself
By Trent Carter
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We make a lot of promises to ourselves.
Tomorrow I am going to start exercising. This week I am going to make that appointment. I am going to stop answering that person's calls. I am going to get serious about my recovery. I am going to go to bed earlier, spend less money, eat better, ask for help, set the boundary, or finally deal with the thing I have been avoiding.
Then the moment comes to actually do it, and suddenly the negotiation begins. Maybe tomorrow would be better. Maybe today has been too stressful. Maybe skipping it once will not matter. Maybe we can make an exception.
We can be incredibly persuasive when we are trying to talk ourselves out of doing something difficult. Eventually, though, you have to stop negotiating with yourself.
Click here for my free ‘Stop Negotiating With Yourself’ worksheet
You Already Made the Decision
There is a difference between thoughtfully changing your mind and repeatedly reopening a decision because following through has become uncomfortable.
If you decided that something was important when you were thinking clearly, you do not need to debate it again every time you do not feel like doing it. Maybe you decided to go to therapy, stop drinking, take your medication consistently, distance yourself from a relationship that was hurting you, or start taking better care of your health. Those decisions were probably made for a reason.
The problem is that we often treat every uncomfortable moment as an opportunity to renegotiate the agreement.
Instead, try reminding yourself: I already made this decision.
You do not have to win the argument again today. You just have to follow through.
Your Feelings Get a Vote, Not a Veto
How you feel matters. If you are exhausted, overwhelmed, angry, anxious, discouraged, or frustrated, you should pay attention to that. Our emotions can tell us important things about what we need.
But feelings do not always need to determine what we do next.
You can feel anxious about an appointment and still go. You can miss someone and still know that contacting them is not healthy for you. You can have a craving and choose not to act on it. You can feel completely unmotivated and still take the next step.
One of the most useful things we can learn is that we do not have to wait for our feelings and our goals to perfectly align before taking action. Sometimes the action comes first, and the motivation follows.
The Negotiation Usually Sounds Reasonable
The voice that talks us out of things is rarely obvious. It usually does not say, "Forget everything you care about and ruin all of your progress."
It sounds much more reasonable than that.
You've had a hard day. You deserve a break. One time won't hurt. You can start again Monday. Things are different now. You have it under control.
That is what makes these conversations so convincing.
In recovery, this can be especially dangerous. The decision to return to substance use does not always begin with a dramatic moment. Sometimes it starts with a series of small permissions and exceptions. Maybe I can be around it now. Maybe I do not need as much support anymore. Maybe one drink would be fine. Maybe I was overreacting about how bad things had gotten.
Knowing your own patterns matters. When you recognize the negotiation beginning, you have a chance to interrupt it before it becomes a decision.
Make Some Decisions Ahead of Time
One way to reduce these internal arguments is to make important decisions before you are standing in the difficult moment.
Decide what you will do when you have a craving. Decide who you will call when you feel yourself slipping. Decide what boundaries you will maintain and what situations you are not willing to put yourself in. Decide which habits are important enough that you do not want to debate them every day.
A plan made during a calm moment can become incredibly valuable during a chaotic one.
This does not mean your plan can never change. Life changes, and sometimes our strategies need to change with it. But changing a plan intentionally is different from abandoning it because the alternative feels easier right now.
Be Careful With "Just This Once"
Most of us have said this to ourselves.
Just this once, I will skip it. Just this once, I will reach out to that person. Just this once, I will ignore the boundary. Just this once, I will go back to the behavior I promised myself I was done with.
Sometimes one exception really is just one exception. But sometimes "just this once" is how an old pattern gets invited back into your life.
The important question is not whether you are allowed to make an exception. You are an adult and can make whatever choice you want. The better question is: Where does this choice usually lead me?
You probably know the answer better than anyone.
If you have walked down the same road enough times, you do not have to keep pretending you do not know where it goes.
Discipline Is Not Punishment
People sometimes hear the word discipline and imagine being harsh with themselves. That is not what discipline has to mean.
Discipline can actually be a form of self-respect. It is keeping the promises you made to yourself when nobody else is checking. It is choosing what matters most over what feels easiest right now. It is protecting tomorrow's version of yourself from a decision today's version might regret.
You do not have to bully yourself into doing difficult things. You can acknowledge that something is hard while still expecting yourself to follow through.
You can say, I really do not want to do this today, and also say, I am going to do it anyway because I know why it matters.
That is not punishment. That is consistency.
Make the Next Step Smaller
Sometimes we negotiate because the thing we are asking ourselves to do feels too big. If that is the case, make the step smaller instead of abandoning it entirely.
You do not have to fix your entire life today. Make the phone call. Show up for the appointment. Go for ten minutes instead of an hour. Tell one person what is going on. Complete one task. Get through the next craving. Make one healthy choice.
Small actions protect momentum, and momentum matters.
Every time you follow through, you create evidence that you can trust yourself. When you repeatedly tell yourself you are going to do something and then talk yourself out of it, eventually your own promises stop meaning very much. When you begin following through, even imperfectly, you start believing yourself again.
Know When You Need Someone Else in the Conversation
There are also times when you should not rely entirely on yourself. If you know that you tend to rationalize certain behaviors, bring another person into the conversation.
Call your sponsor. Talk to your therapist. Text a friend. Tell your partner. Reach out to someone in your support system and say what you are thinking before you act on it.
Sometimes simply saying the negotiation out loud makes it easier to recognize what is happening. The excuse that sounded completely reasonable in your head may sound very different once you explain it to someone who knows you.
There is no prize for handling every difficult moment alone. Accountability exists because our thinking is not always reliable when we are stressed, afraid, angry, lonely, or craving relief.
Let someone help you remember what you decided when you were thinking clearly.
Become Someone You Can Count On
One of the most powerful things you can build is trust in yourself.
That does not mean believing you will always make the perfect decision or that you will never struggle again. It means believing that when things get difficult, you will still try to act in your own best interest.
It means asking for help when you need it. Recognizing old patterns sooner. Keeping the boundaries you worked hard to establish. Treating the things you say matter to you like they actually matter.
There will always be days when doing the right thing feels inconvenient, uncomfortable, or exhausting. There will always be a reason to put something off until tomorrow, make an exception, or convince yourself that this time is different.
You do not have to argue with every excuse. You do not have to wait until you feel motivated. And you do not have to keep reopening decisions you already know are good for you.
Sometimes the most important thing you can tell yourself is simple:
The decision has already been made. Now I just need to follow through.
-Trent
About Trent Carter
Trent Carter is a clinician, entrepreneur, and addiction recovery advocate dedicated to transforming lives through evidence-based care, innovation, and leadership. He is the founder of Renew Health and the author of The Recovery Tool Belt.
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